Monday, August 11, 2008

Secret Transcript - Saddleback Valley Faith Debate Questions

Welcome to our evening “Faith Debate” with Presidential Candidates Senator Barack Obama and Senator John McCain. Pastor Rick Warren welcomes all guests to our church. And now, without further delay, we get into the questions for our candidates. Gentlemen, the people of Amerika wrote or emailed in the following questions, and we are very interested in hearing your answers. So, let us begin. The first question is for Senator Messiah – oh, er, Barack Obama…

(1) Senator Obama, will John Edwards be your Attorney-General? In what role or position will Reverend Wright serve?

(2) Senator McCain, do you realize how STUPID possibly picking Governor Tom Ridge of PA as your running mate would be for you?

(3) Senator Obama, do you know that if you choose Hillary as your running mate, your life expectancy plummets roughly to that of a point man on a combat team in the Vietnam War?

(4) Senator McCain, do you realize how much MORE STUPID possibly picking Senator Joe Leiberman (DEMOCRAT - CT) as your running mate will be?

(5) Senator Obama, is it ever justified to the people of a nation who disagree with their government to resort to violence to overthrow said government?... Oh, no sir, not in IRAN, here in the US..?!

(6) Senator McCain, are you sleepy sir?

(7) Senator Obama, do you plan to order the treasury to issue new dollar bills with Presidents faces that look "more like yours" once you are in office -- or will the faces of George, Thomas, Ben and Abe suffice?

(8) Senator McCain, si habla espanol?

(9) Senator Obama, if -- or when -- the Iranians nuke us, will you vigilantly pursue vigorous diplomatic remedies for their dastardly deeds. or would you merely apologize to them for what obviously was a provocation on our part, and totally our fault?

(10) Senator McCain, if given the opportunity to "cross the aisle" in cooperation with the rightful rulers of Amerika (aka the Democrats) and have all your judicial nominees -- including those to the SCOTUS -- confirmed, will you promise not to nominate Conservative, originalist, constructionist or [Clinton forbid!] Christians to the bench, so as to ensure the right of women to murder their unborn children with legal impugnity?

(11) Senator Obama, has your wife ever had a "shoutin fit" during one of Rev. Jeremiah Wright's sermons sir? And a follow-up -- has she ever been to a "Black Panther Party?"

(12) Senator McCain, do you think Rick Warren's Hawaiian flowered shirts are important to a "Green" policy meant to stop global warming, and if so, how effective have the shirts been so far?

(13) Senator Obama, does your standing in Rick Warren's church imply in any way that you SUPPORT the wearing of Hawaiian shirts as a means of combatting global warming?

(14) Senator McCain, regarding illegal immigration -- with 20 million illegals in our country, and your support for the Immigration bill in 2007 which would have allowed literally 60 million plus more into the nation without consequence and WITH government approval, do you favor the idea that EVERY American family simply adopt an illegal alien and eliminate the Government as the "middle man," or do you think illegals should belong directly to corporations as the permanent, indentured servant underclass?

(15) Senator Obama, if Israel should act to take out Iran's nuclear capability on your watch, will you seek a declaration of war against Israel, or just authorize a resolution calling for limited strikes against Israel as a nation, and Jews here in Amerika?

(16) Senator McCain, as an old man, can you tell us what Abraham Lincoln was really like, and was it true that he and Ronald Reagan were really friends as kids when they grew up back in Illinois?

Gentlemen, thank you for coming to Saddleback Valley Church tonight and sharing your views on these important issues. I'm sure that regardless of who wins this election, we will have a much more bi-lingual, green, egalitarian and love-centered nation in 4 years.

I would like to remind all who have joined us this evening that, just after our closing praise song -- Kum-by-Yah -- you can purchase the exclusive Rick Warren Hawaiian shirt designs in our campus bookstore and giftshop. Also, be sure to pick up CD's of this exciting "faith debate" for a small price and share it with all your friends -- whether leftist Amerika haters or stodgy white Fundamentalists who dress in boring white button down shirts.

For Rick Warren, have a purposeful, positive, life-affirming evening!



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